Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
