Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
