My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
