hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
