he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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