I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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