Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
They have beer where we have blood.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
