You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
