I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
