you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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