So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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