the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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