My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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