My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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