She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
