just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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