Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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