The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
