1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
