I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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