If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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