highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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