Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
