shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
