So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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