A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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