They should really pass out barf bags in church
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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