Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
