My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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