I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
