There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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