recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
