The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
