I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
