he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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