I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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