Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
