Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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