I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I cut my penus on the lid.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
