i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
