explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
