I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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