You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
