I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You're like the curious george of whores
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
