are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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