I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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