Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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