My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
