Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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