apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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