I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
