I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Jerry, you need to find god
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
