the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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