Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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