Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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