woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
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My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
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Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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