remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
