onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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